Don't be fooled Ben & Jerry are plotting to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

So Sunday I'm going on a beach excursion.Yay! Sea sun & sand, I have missed you. Bikini..... ummmm not so much. Funny thing is I actually like bathing suits, just not how they look on me. ( What woman, who isn't a professional model or Olympic athlete does?) I ordered a bikini online, its absolutely GORGEOUS!

 ... and not coming in time :-( so although i already had 5 bathing suits (WTF 5!!!!! I just counted them I didn't know there were so many) I like the genius my mother made recently put myself through the masochistic pastime of swimsuit shopping for #6.

I went with my cousins because we all know that misery loves company and sifted through the racks to find something in my size. This is a miraculous task in itself especially in Trinidad  as I'm tiny on top and supersized below with my belly acting as a happy medium between the two (we don't get separates sold here in swimsuits).

I believe that there is something about the lighting in a dressing room that conspires to make every woman look as unflattering as possible in swimwear. IDIOTS! Don't they know that they would have an infinite more number of sales if they lied to us and made us think that we actually looked fabulous?

Personally I think that the creator of flourescent lighting sould be sued by every woman for defamation of character!!!

But I digress. I tried on some swimsuits, hated them all, got discouraged and then found one that I hated less than the others. It was cute and colourful, almost made me feel like I was in a gay pride parade but I didn't care. All that mattered was that in it I felt like a hippo, not an elephant so I took it to the cash register, paid my money and walked out the store.

I went home and decided that I was going to google every remedy I could find to lose 10 pounds in a week instead of the 6 months it took to lose the 10 lbs that got me to my current weight of....... come now you should know better than to ask a lady her weight, her age and her bra size! I found a few links I liked and decided I might as well have it all and I googled how to tighten loose skin and eradicate stretch marks as well.

I scoured the house for every cream oil  and vitamin product I had in the house and combined them to make an actually pretty effective cream and body scrub. The scars haven't disappeared overnight but my skin feels amazing and i can already see the stretch mark scarring softening. For anyone who's wondering, my stretch marks aren't from childbirth. I have no kids but I do possess the genetic good fortune of a large ass and legs to match the speed at which i acquired these on the onset of adulthood has left me with some stretch marks. 

So anyways, Iwas feeling pretty great great about myself until i went on facebook and saw a friend on mine IN THE SAME BIKINI I JUST BOUGHT!!!!! 

Oh and remember the categories I had about women who feel great in swimsuits....Guess who's a model?

So I kicked all my plans into high gear because not only was I going to lose that weight I was going to be as smooth as silk! I was doing great feeling all disciplined and stuff until (DUN DUN DUN!) My friends paid me a visit with juice, tiramisu and THREE different flavours of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (Strawberry Cheesecake, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, & Phish Food to be exact)

The strawberry cheesecake was a no brainer. If gaining salvation depended on denouncing cheesecake as the devil's food I might have a hard time making it to heaven (insert cheesecake dream montage here)

 

Right, no where was I. Yup so the strawberry cheesecake ice cream I didn't even try to resist. I just said to myself oh well you have to add another workout to your plan in the morning. But then the most horrible thing happen. They left the others!!!!! Here I was thinking that I could be strong, after all they're both chocolate based flavours and I'm not a fan of chocolate icec ream anyway. Or so I thought. DAMN YOU BEN & JERRY!!! That Phish Food Ice Cream, haunted me, it blew me kisses and whispered sweet nothings in my ear every time I opened the freezer. Finally, today, I relented. :-( I ate almost the whole thing. So much for 10 lbs. Shoot, so much for two....... But at least I'll have some super smooth skin ;-D