Dear Future Husband

So a while ago Twitter had Dear Future Wife as one of their trending topics. I spent a fabolously hilarious night reading what men expected of or promised their mates to be. Dear future husband also proved to be diverting. I laughed my belly full and thought nothing of it until I was faced with writing a new songs that honestly I'm catching my ass trying to write and I decided to write to the future Mr Crystal Chase here's my list :-).

Dear Future Husband

I want to cook for you

I want to sing softly in your ear as you drift off to sleep  

I want to do the same for our children

I want to surprise you after a hard day of work  with nothing on

I want to argue with you about whose turn it is to do the dishes

I want to play fight with you

I want to cry in your arms and feel my tears run down your neck

I want my tongue to run down your neck

I want you to tune me out as I drone on incessantly about wedding plans

I want to get mad at you because you tuned me out

I want you to tease me and kiss me until I’m no longer mad

I want to play footsie with you at a crowded table

I want us to embarrass out teenage children trying to be “cool”

I want to laugh at you the first time you change a dirty diaper

I want you to carry me over the threshold

I want you to get jealous every time you see one of my exes

I want to get jealous every time I see one of yours

I want us to laugh at each other for being unnecessarily jealous

I want to blush at something you do thirty years from now

I want to build an empire with you

I want to build a house with you

I want to rub your shoulder when you pretend that something is not bothering you and tell you that everything will be ok

I want you to tell me that everything will be ok

I want to not believe you

I want to grudgingly have to admit that you were right

I want bathe with you

In a tub

Of champagne ;-p

I want you to get me drunk and have your wicked way with me

I want to force you to watch chick flicks that I know you’ll love but your male ego won’t allow you  to admit

I want you to force me to watch horrors and laugh at me when I hide my face in your chest

I want you to hold me head to your chest because you know I’m really that afraid

I want to fall asleep with my head on your chest listening to your heart beating

I want you to tickle me

I want you to shut me up with a kiss when I talk too much

I want to learn your sensitive spots

I want to teach you mine

I want to always keep you guessing

I want to get carpet burns with you

I want to send you to the store for a pack of Always ultra thins

I want you to be pissed you have to go

I want to travel the world with you

I want us to spend a lazy weekend too gross to even shower, just scratching, watching tv and eating ice cream

I want you to cop a feel behind our kid’s back

I want to dance with you

I want to sing with you

I want to sleep with every limb intertwined and wake up when our morning breath kills each other

I want to ask you if you think I look fat in this dress

I want to grow old with you

I want to FIND YOU.

©Chase 

Ah'm Sehleebraytin Ur Laif

At 1:10 this morning, my cousins' / godsisters' grandmother died. Before you start to feel sorry for us, she was 97 and very ready to go home. My best friend's great great aunt is currently making her journey home also, as I see it, she's still saying her goodbyes. Once again before waves of sympathy and empathy roll over you, she is 91 and very ready to go home.

Now one would think that the similarities of these two cases to mine would paralyze me with dread and fear. Why do I say this? Well Elaine Knutt (or Granny as I knew her *97*) was the caretaker for her adopted daughter and subsequently helped her raised her two daughters, my godsisters. When time took its toll on her quality of life the family opted to be her caretakers as opposed to putting her in a nursing home, despite the fact that she was blind and her mobility was greatly impaired by the ravishes of time. The result? She died peacefully in her sleep surrounded by the people who loved her most, her granddaughters and her great grandson ( who is my godson and the fabulous chef from my earlier post *Jacob Bakes*) She was not speaking in her last few months. Her vocal utterances had been limited to "Eh?" every time Jacob called her, and he called often :- ) because he liked to talk to Granny in the bedroom. Despite this her final words to each of her immediate family members (note well at different intervals) was I love you, something that she almost never said during her long life ( trust me when I say Granny wasn't easy, you were most likely to be called a "bitch on two stick" lol I kid you not, I never knew where she got that phrase from.)

Granny showed affection by bribery, lol and let the congregation say " I RECEIVE!!!" ;-p. If you were a child that played by Auntie Debra you would be a horrible liar if you said that Granny never gave you a sweetie, a chocolate and the most important Bermudez vanilla buscuits. Usually, you got them all at one and if you were really greedy and a little smart, because Granny was blind you could wrangle a double share. Granny will be legendary for years to come.

Eva Jacob (or Tantie *91*) came into my life much later than Granny, Her great,great niece is my best friend. The first time I met her we were in Form Three and I had gone to their house after school. She was cooking and without missing a beat she greeted us and threatened Diva's brother with a pot spoon, all at once. We build the oldies differently here in Trinidad & Tobago. They not easy lol. I liked Tantie off the bat and we struck up a friendship.

Years later I ended up working at their house and although I had always been aware of her development, the impact of 3 strokes on her was obvious. As in the case of Granny, her mobility was impaired as well as her speech and I'll take the liberty to say also her temperament. But she is still too sweet and her family also decided to undertake that monumental task of home care. She likes it when I comb her hair. I don't know if she ever realised that I just like playing in it lol, I think I'll tell her before I don't get a chance to. Recently her condition has deteriorated, and her quality of life has very little life left to it. But Eva Jacob still has love to give and she not going anywhere until she gives it. When she's done, however, it is our duty to let her go.

So you would think that my butt pegs would be clapping, for those of you who don't know I live alone with my grandmother (or Attie as I have always known her to be). She is 87 and bedridden permanently( well only because she doesn't like her wheelchair) from a broken hip. It is inoperable. For the past 3 1/2 years I have experienced the highs and abysmal lows of caring for the elderly because I have also opted home care. At the moment I am her sole caretaker. It is hard. But you see, like these other two marvelous women I have described, my grandmother raised me. My mother died when I was 8, my grandmother raised me on her own as if I were her child. She is definitely not an easy woman to deal with. Sometimes when we all compared stories I would wonder if these old ladies were going for the pageant title of Old Miss Cantankerous and we were were in the audience.

The difference, however, I realised between these ladies is actually their biggest similarities. Granny knew that she would be gone soon, Tantie knows that she is going and Attie, although it took her a while but as the baby of the group (after all 87 makes her the spring chicken) she knows that she has a lot of life to live and a lot of love to give still.

I am not naive, the bible speaks of three score and ten and she is past that, and none of us has an expiration stamp on us but I do know this, in this world she is most present and as we spoke today we have agreed to make those moments count. We're going an adventure, Attie and I, we're going to celebrate her life, as she still lives.

A Sneak Peek- Hopeless

So I'm finally working on my novel again. I totally scrapped most of what I had done before but I'm pretty ok with a new breath of life that has been injected into it recently so I've decided its time to share a little bit of my biggest baby on blogsville. Once again this book is my BABY and the most emotionally intense thing I have ever done in my life. This is a few of the opening paragraphs of chapter 1 so let me know what you think. :D

http://www.lumendipity.com

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lumendipity-Photography/250972420383

check it out guys the pictures are AMAZING!!!

HOPELESS

My mother called us Jacob and Essau. We fought from the moment we exited the womb.  If I had to continue the analogy I would have to admit that I was Jacob, heel grabber extraordinaire. Unlike the biblical tale, however was the fact that even from birth my mom decidedly preferred Essau. Hope came out first and it would be that way for the rest of our lives… her life anyway.

We were beautiful babies, everyone said so but then again everyone always think that identical twins are beautiful. The only difference between us was that my hair would not sit still. We had the standard baby pictures. The Sunday best pink dresses with the little ribbon bow in our hair. My ribbon was of course no longer in a bow. We had the eating spaghetti one. Hope’s mouth was covered with the terra cotta coloured sauce mine… well my hair was covered with it, as well as the bowl. And of course there was the naked babies bathing picture. Hope was bawling here eyes out in the tub and I was looking sweet and innocent next to her. Further inspection however, as my mother pointed out, would show the bite marks on Hope’s arm where I tried out my newly formed incisors.

Yup I had a track record being very Sinatra in life, doing things my way.  My mother thought that I was careless, flighty and irresponsible I thought that I was being the most responsible of us all. I remember when I came up with this concept, I was all of nine and us children had gone to Mamma and Papa’s for the Easter holiday.

My grandparents’ house was always a haven for me.  They lived in a seashore town on the east coast. I absolutely loved it there. I used to spin on the beach till I was dizzy and the two different landscapes made a kaleidoscope in my mind, the sea on one side and lush green forests on the other.  The place wasn’t necessarily deserted, the beach was one of the most popular on the island so there were always people and there was a surprising amount of houses nestled in between the trees with every fairly modern amenity that you would need at that time. It still wasn’t our “city living” though, which when I compare it to New York, feels more country now than that did back then.

But I digress, and I do that quite often. I was nine, we were all up there for Easter holidays. Joy, our older sister was pissed, she was sixteen, fresh out of CXC exams and had just gotten her first boyfriend, the last place she wanted to be was, as she said, behind God’s back in Arena Blanca. Yup, white sand. We have a lot of literal Spanish names in Trinidad. I blame Christopher Columbus, after all he started it. So Joy was mad because she knew had been sent literally on babysitting duty. My brother Aaron was thrilled because he had just gotten himself into a sticky situation with two girls at home and as he said,” I’m giving them both time to cool off and miss me, they’ll believe anything I say by the time I get back” (what really happened is that they got each other’s phone numbers, started comparing notes and sent some guys to beat him up when he got back. He didn’t get hurt but he did have to hide a lot for two months)But I digress again!

We got there, the older two went to visit some of other teens they grew up with over the years, Hope hid herself in a corner with a book, as always and I decided that I wanted to put on a play outside.  Mama told me to go practice it and that she would be most present at my grand performance. She even elicited the assistance of her next door neighbour’s ten year old son, Julian to be my co-star. Maybe I should have told her beforehand that I had just discovered Shakespeare over Christmas and that my play du jour was Romeo and Juliet. I got my first kiss that day and I hated it. He was much better at it years later.

Well that's the end of my little excerpt for now. Tell me what you think guys?

LMAO- This is why I LOVE Stand Up Comedy and my Trini Ppl

We know how to laugh at ourselves.

THE ORIGINAL

AND THE REMIX!!!

Mistress Inc. (Get it? She was the mistress but I'm checking out the ink! I'm so lame ;p)

Ok so I can't stand her because I absolutely LOVE Sandra Bullock, and she's so beautiful and sweet and she has like a super fit body (have u guys seen the Proposal? Clearly Jesse did not because he cheated on THAT!)  so I can't fathom how he did it cuz homegirl here here face looks like Morticia Adams BUT..... She does have some absolutely beautiful tattoos! I can't deny that! so that's why I'm posting her ppl because her ink is amazing, she's still a skeg tho (for anyone who's not sure what a skeg is its a Caribbean version of what yooouuuu would call her lol)

Erykah Stuhrs Awp Kontrowversee

“Funny thing is, the physical nudity is nothing,” Badu Tweeted. “I been naked all along in my words actions and deeds. That’s the real vulnerable place.” -Erykah Badu (on the controversy surrounding the video).


 Ok  ppl so this is Erykah Badu's new music video for the song Window Seat. I don't know how much longer its going to be available because they're being taken off of youtube as quickly as it's being put up.  Everybody has conflicting opinions on everything concerning this video. What its about, did she look good (of course the creepy guys and the vain bitches will think about this), Should she have done it in a public place, will she get arrested, is there an uncut version (pervs again!)and most importantly did she disrespect the memory of the late president JFK.
When I say that there's conflicting opinion believe me I ain't lyin'. For every sing question I just asked there were people going Yes No & Maybe, and not well I only searched the web for about 10 mins before because I know I wanted to post this and I want to be well informed.
Well since this is my blog and its all about me, Me, ME!!!! (whoo, diva moment lol) I'm going to give you my opinions on these question, short answers though because I'm sleepy.

1) What its about: Well Erykah says its a protest against groupthink, which is when people lose their individuality and follow the general  consensus especially in a negative way especially against their own betterjudgement to avoid conflict (if you want the best example of them all, I'm sure that there at least one genius in the crowd when Jesus was put to trial that thought it was folly to kill an innocent man but who was shouting "Free Barrabas" just as loudly as the rest of them. But anyway that was God's will and I for one am very grateful that Christ sacrificed his earthly life so that we can have an eternal one. HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!) But I agree with Erykah, when people don't think for themselves bad things happen.

2) Did she look good.: Pervy guys say yes vain bitches say no. My vote is with the pervs on this one. Erykah Badu is a natural woman, a mother (pregnancy does some stuff to ur physique) and 39!!!!! I'm 24 and I'm in worse shape than that. (Although we do have the same body shape and I swear we have the same ass!!!! lol. Dude i had to check her tattoos 2ce because I swore i saw an angel on her back for a split second lol , maybe I can be her body double, lmao or maybe not...) but anywho not that it matters because the video wasn't about that but she represent a natural black woman and we look like that hun with all our extras and it is beautiful. vain bitches get over yourselves!

3) Should she have done it in a public place: Ok so I am admitting to a bias here. I treat the arts as a spoilt favourite child. It can do no wrong. If some idiot just decided to strip in the road I'd say jail the idiot but it was in the pursuit of art and enlightenment so I'd say its ok but I know I'm wrong because it was wrong anyway you take it but I don't care so the favourite kid wins again.

OK SO I'M SLEEPY SO I'LL FINISH THIS POST TOMORROW BUT I SILL DON'T WANT TO SAVE THIS IN DRAFTS BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG THE VIDEO WILL BE UP SO I'LL JUST EDIT THIS POST TOMORROW.

Ok So I'm finishing the rest now (3 days l8r lol)... where was I.
4) Should she get arrested: Well she got charged with a misdemeanor for it. I know nothing about legalities so I don't have much of an opinion on this 1. I assume she will just have some fines to pay.

5)Is there an uncut version: YA PERVS!!!!I hear there is, if there is I don't want to see it and if it circulated she could be in even bigger trouble so I'm hoping it was destroyed right after editing ( which is what someone else said happened)

6) Did she disrespect the memory of the late president JFK: Respect is a subjective thing so everyone will have conflicting opinions about this. I'm not American so I'm not confident that I have the right to judge how they should feel according to how someone has treated one of their greatest icons. I understand why she did it. The cause that she was promoting in the video was something he was passionate about and showed great innovation trying to prevent. Some even say that this dynamism that got him killed. Maybe it was to jolt people into remembering what he stood for and to remember to try to emulate it. I don't know

All I know is that this video makes you think, it makes you talk and it makes you learn. And for that, I like it.

Don't be fooled Ben & Jerry are plotting to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

So Sunday I'm going on a beach excursion.Yay! Sea sun & sand, I have missed you. Bikini..... ummmm not so much. Funny thing is I actually like bathing suits, just not how they look on me. ( What woman, who isn't a professional model or Olympic athlete does?) I ordered a bikini online, its absolutely GORGEOUS!

 ... and not coming in time :-( so although i already had 5 bathing suits (WTF 5!!!!! I just counted them I didn't know there were so many) I like the genius my mother made recently put myself through the masochistic pastime of swimsuit shopping for #6.

I went with my cousins because we all know that misery loves company and sifted through the racks to find something in my size. This is a miraculous task in itself especially in Trinidad  as I'm tiny on top and supersized below with my belly acting as a happy medium between the two (we don't get separates sold here in swimsuits).

I believe that there is something about the lighting in a dressing room that conspires to make every woman look as unflattering as possible in swimwear. IDIOTS! Don't they know that they would have an infinite more number of sales if they lied to us and made us think that we actually looked fabulous?

Personally I think that the creator of flourescent lighting sould be sued by every woman for defamation of character!!!

But I digress. I tried on some swimsuits, hated them all, got discouraged and then found one that I hated less than the others. It was cute and colourful, almost made me feel like I was in a gay pride parade but I didn't care. All that mattered was that in it I felt like a hippo, not an elephant so I took it to the cash register, paid my money and walked out the store.

I went home and decided that I was going to google every remedy I could find to lose 10 pounds in a week instead of the 6 months it took to lose the 10 lbs that got me to my current weight of....... come now you should know better than to ask a lady her weight, her age and her bra size! I found a few links I liked and decided I might as well have it all and I googled how to tighten loose skin and eradicate stretch marks as well.

I scoured the house for every cream oil  and vitamin product I had in the house and combined them to make an actually pretty effective cream and body scrub. The scars haven't disappeared overnight but my skin feels amazing and i can already see the stretch mark scarring softening. For anyone who's wondering, my stretch marks aren't from childbirth. I have no kids but I do possess the genetic good fortune of a large ass and legs to match the speed at which i acquired these on the onset of adulthood has left me with some stretch marks. 

So anyways, Iwas feeling pretty great great about myself until i went on facebook and saw a friend on mine IN THE SAME BIKINI I JUST BOUGHT!!!!! 

Oh and remember the categories I had about women who feel great in swimsuits....Guess who's a model?

So I kicked all my plans into high gear because not only was I going to lose that weight I was going to be as smooth as silk! I was doing great feeling all disciplined and stuff until (DUN DUN DUN!) My friends paid me a visit with juice, tiramisu and THREE different flavours of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (Strawberry Cheesecake, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, & Phish Food to be exact)

The strawberry cheesecake was a no brainer. If gaining salvation depended on denouncing cheesecake as the devil's food I might have a hard time making it to heaven (insert cheesecake dream montage here)

 

Right, no where was I. Yup so the strawberry cheesecake ice cream I didn't even try to resist. I just said to myself oh well you have to add another workout to your plan in the morning. But then the most horrible thing happen. They left the others!!!!! Here I was thinking that I could be strong, after all they're both chocolate based flavours and I'm not a fan of chocolate icec ream anyway. Or so I thought. DAMN YOU BEN & JERRY!!! That Phish Food Ice Cream, haunted me, it blew me kisses and whispered sweet nothings in my ear every time I opened the freezer. Finally, today, I relented. :-( I ate almost the whole thing. So much for 10 lbs. Shoot, so much for two....... But at least I'll have some super smooth skin ;-D